"I realized how my future depends entirely on someone else wanting me. I try so hard to be good. I try to make good grades and be responsible and work hard at my job and stay fit and eat healthy and be fun to be around and be somewhat interesting and be kind and someone who makes others' lives a little better. But I can be the best version of myself and still, have someone not want me."
I got that text one Sunday afternoon about a year ago from a friend telling me she had cried in church that morning. I don't know about you, but that was something that resonated and still resonates with me. I feel that my whole life I have never been enough for people. Never enough for my friends. Never enough for that boy I liked. Never enough for my boyfriend. Sometimes it was implied. Sometimes it was something I made up in my head. Sometimes it was things they unabashedly said to my face. It was hard and it still is hard. It's hard to think that no matter how hard you try, how much you do, how badly you want to mean as much to them as they mean to you, you could still end up being not enough and unwanted.
So as I'm sitting up at 2:57 AM writing these things there's a voice in the back of my mind trying to tell me the things I don't want to hear because right now I just want to hurt and be sad and get bitter. But I know better. We all know better. But why is it so hard to not listen to that little voice? Because we don't like being told we're wrong, even by ourselves. What that little voice is trying to tell me is that my identity is not in the right thing. When I think of who Rachel is I don't think of all the things I really am. I think of all the things I'm not. I think Rachel is not smart enough, funny enough, outgoing enough, fit enough, pretty enough. Not important, needed, valuable, loved, wanted enough. What I tell myself and what I know so many of you tell yourself each and every day is that you are not enough. And I know it's not fun. And I know it hurts. And I know it feels like you're lying to yourself when you try to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are enough when maybe all you have felt or been told or thought for so so long is that you aren't enough.
But you want to know what the real lie is? The real lie is telling yourself that you aren't enough. The real lie is telling yourself that you are unwanted.
It was hard for me growing up watching all my friends have "boyfriends" and having boys pick on them and tease them (because that's apparently how they flirt when you're in elementary school because boys aren't super in tune with their emotions or something I don't know) and I was never one of those girls. Same thing in middle school. Sure, I was scared of boys until I was 14 but I still wanted boys to think I was pretty or cute or funny. But I never got that. My entire life I've been asked out by 3 guys while I watch other girls have a new boyfriend every few weeks. I've was always told I'm "intimidating, but the good kind of intimidating" like that was supposed to be some kind of encouragement or something.
But it wasn't just with boys. It was with school, awards, friend groups, parties. I always felt a little left out. A little uncomfortable. A little out of place. A little unwanted. This is not to say I was a complete loner growing up. I had my friends but a lot of them were fair-weather friends. They were those friends that swore they would be there until we were old and grey but in reality we've talked maybe twice since graduation and not at all in the last two years.
People that know me tell me how intense I am and that is not something I argue with because I know it's true. When you're my friend, you're my friend and I will do anything to make that friendship work and I will love you fiercely. When you're my boyfriend, you're my boyfriend and I will do anything to make that relationship work and I will love you fiercely. I love people, what can I say? I am so thankful to say that I have finally found those friends that are there for me. I've found the friends that will sit up with me at 2 AM and hold me while I cry and tell me they still love me and it's going to be okay. But it was a long and winding road finding those real friends.
But it's tiring. It's tiring to always be loving people and building them up and encouraging them and valuing them and needing them and wanting them when you rarely get any of that in return. But you know what's even more tiring and painful than that? Putting your identity in the wrong things and people.
Recently I've been suddenly and abruptly forced to evaluate where exactly it is I find my identity. And it's been hard. And it's been painful. And it's been messy and sad and dark and lonely. But I've learned some things. I've learned I wasn't finding my identity in the right places. Actually, I was trying to find it in all the wrong places. And to be honest I'll still look for my identity in the wrong places and get confused and angry when I don't find it there even though I know where it should be.
Imagine standing in your closet looking for the ice cream knowing good and well it's downstairs in the freezer and then getting mad when you can't find it in your closet. Sounds crazy right? Well that's what we do when we try to find our value and identity in other people. It's not there! Our value and identity is not found in other people it is found in Jesus.
I'm not going to lie to you. It's been a really long time since Jesus was where I looked for my identity and my value. Can the same be said for you? Oh, I was really good at faking it. I should have won an Emmy for my incredible acting. I was really good at talking about how I trusted Him and loved Him and all that other stuff I said but didn't really mean. I said all those things but in reality I could go from feeling like the most important person in the world to completely worthless at the drop of a hat because I found my value and my identity in people of this world.
Remember earlier when I was going through and listing all the things I'm constantly telling myself that I'm not? What if someone you loved and adored were to say those things about themselves? It would upset you, wouldn't it? It would leave you wondering how on earth can they not see those things in themselves because when you look at them that's all you see, wouldn't it? Remember how I talked about how tiring and hurtful it is to constantly be loving people and encouraging them and valuing them and needing them and wanting them? It would upset you if they didn't even acknowledge how much you loved and wanted them, wouldn't it?
You see where I'm going with this, right?
When you think about how much Jesus loves us do you ever think about how much you're upsetting him when you tell yourself you aren't things that you really and truly are? When you think about how much Jesus wants us do you ever think about how much you hurt him when you tell yourself you aren't enough and you aren't wanted? He came to this earth and died for you because you are needed and wanted and important and valuable and enough. Because you are loved and known and important and wanted and you are fearfully and wonderfully made and you are a Child of God and you are forgiven and you are whole and you are enough.
Your value isn't determined by who does or doesn't want to date you or what friends you do or don't have or what grade you made on that test or how many times you've had to retake that class or what person thinks you're just too hard to love because you are so lovable. You are so lovable and so loved that the King of Kings, the Son of God, the Beginning and the End, the Alpha and the Omega came down to this wretched place to die a cruel death for you. When Jesus was on that cross, he was thinking of you.
I don't know a lot about love, but if that's not love, then I don't know what is. So don't you dare let anyone ever try to tell you that you are too hard to love because that is the farthest thing from the truth.
But I know it's hard. I know it's hard and painful to change the way you have thought about yourself for so long. I know it's a grueling process to clean out those cobwebs from your heart where you feel like you haven't had love in so long. I know because I'm right there next to you, shaking out my own cobwebs and sweeping out the dust bunnies.
But what I need you to know is you are loved. You are so loved. And you are so wanted and you are so valued and you are so enough. Please remember that.